My 2AM rant

Fear is crippling.

World wide known fact.

It has many faces, too. Fear of man. Fear of failure. Fear of confrontation. Fear of ____. You fill in the blanks.

We are all afraid of something. Some of us too proud to admit it to ourselves and some of us are so lost in our fear that there doesn't seem to be a way out.

I'm afraid of rejection.

Nothing cripples me more than momentary acceptance only to be brutally transitioned to seemingly instant and immediate rejection.

Whether it has to do with my work environment or conversations had among friends, my living situation, family, what have you.

I'm seeing now, more than ever, the difference between what the WORLD expects and what GOD expects of me. I want so badly to be accepted, not rejected, by this world but it seems as though I must compromise what God thinks of me in order to gain acceptance from the world.

Worth it?

No.

A dear friend reminded me in conversation that the one thing, the ONE thing, I have to hold on to that no one can take from me, or change, is my faith.

No one can ever change the relationship I have with God. Nothing he, she, you, or anyone says can ever change who I am in God's sight. And it's with tear-filled eyes that I sit here no longer beating myself up, both mentally and physically, because I can't measure up to what you want me to be - and I'm ready to be done trying. Your opinion means nothing compared to God's

So where I once felt it necessary to try and make you happy, I see now that it is utterly useless because no matter what I do, what I say, what I wear, how I look, how I act - you'll never accept me as much a God does. And the best part of it is?

God. Doesn't. Care. About. Outward. Appearance.

He looks at my heart. He looks at the innermost parts of me and judges me based off that. So the parts of me that you fail to see because you're so concerned with everything that's on the outside - that's all that God sees.

No pressure.

The World says (friends, coworkers, strangers, family, ect)

"You are not pretty enough"
"You need to be skinnier"
"Want my acceptance? Look, act, speak, think, be, how I want you to" 
"You are not good enough for me"
"You are wrong"
"You are worthless"
"I don't love you" 

God says 

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." - 1 Peter 3:3-4

"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” - 1 Samuel 16:7

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." - Proverbs 31:10 

"Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:39

Point is - I'd much rather stand out and be loved by God only as opposed to basically killing myself just trying to fit in to your world but have nothing to show for it in the end.

And all of a sudden.. My grip on you became a little less tight.. 
   
~Romans 12:2 "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will"~