Misery Loves Company

With a blank sheet of paper I pen my thoughts

In hopes that with them in writing they may be forgot
So welcoming with its blankness it asks me to write

Secrets from my heart that I keep locked away so tight
I write the things I dare not tell anyone
I often wish I would so that known to you they could become.
I say to this blank paper that times haven’t been easy
How I yearn for these days to pass by so quickly
I confess to it that this is the deepest pain my heart has ever known
And often this pain that’s felt is rarely ever shown
Poured out onto this paper are my words left unsaid
As are the tears from this loss that I still continue to shed
Painful memories constantly haunt my mind
Looking for the day they need no longer be mine

Upon each completed page of my purge from suppressed emotion
I obtain a small ounce of relief to embrace and call my own

"I am not my own, for I have been made new"

John 1:12

"Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God" 

I am a child of God. The day I put my faith in Christ, for the forgiveness of my sins, that day He looked at me and said "You are a child of Mine." Nothing I do can separate me from Him and He will never leave or abandon me. I am His and He is mine. Sometimes it baffles me to think that Jesus loves me. But He does and He is always eager to show His love to those who set themselves apart from the world and the emptiness it offers and choose to follow Him instead. He gave all of Himself and all He wants from me, and deserves, in return is the same devotion - which doesn't always come easy. 

Attempting to be IN the world but not OF the world presents difficulties, as it would for any fallen human being. The world offers "here and now" satisfaction, but the satisfaction found in Christ is eternal. Everlasting. Forever. Oh if it were but an easy task to just focus in on that and faithfully live for that promise of unending togetherness with Christ, life wouldn't be so bad after all. But I stumble, I fall, I fail, I complain, I waver from the path He's set me on when I feel it's not enough. That is painfully problematic. But God is with me still, even when I waver. There's an amazing concept to dwell on. Now, I do not intend to go through life intentionally placing myself in difficult situations just so God can come rescue me for the millionth time - that is not my purpose or intent in life.  But my purpose and desire is to live each day for His glory, because each day He's given is a gift. A true, blessed, humbling gift.

Something that is constantly resounding in my head is that He willingly died so that I might live, so why is it so hard to live for Him and Him alone? Certainly something to think about. It shouldn't be that hard but sometimes it feels like it takes everything in me to deny myself and follow Him. 

Oh, Lord, my prayer is that you would humble my painfully and irritatingly selfish heart and ambitions. I want to fix my gaze on You, and You alone, for nothing else can satisfy my life quite like You can - for from You and through You and to You are all things. Help me to hold to that truth and the promise of Your unending love for me and the joy that comes from being considered Your Child. To You be the Glory forever. Amen.

"I can't do this myself"

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

To me this verse is heard, believed, and understood completely at this present moment. I'm so grateful to serve a God who is bigger than my problems can ever be and how even when it feels as though no one else really understands just how painful it is - God says "I do."  

Personally I feel closest to God when I'm dealing with a difficult time in my life. Though I do not particularly like said difficult time I do love the indescribable peace that rushes over me when I turn to Jesus for help upon recognizing that I simply cannot go about overcoming this on my own. I also begin to see how utterly messed up I'd be if it weren't for the saving work of Christ in my life. Quite frankly it's because of Christ, and Him alone, that I have this firm foundation that is impossible to shake. No pain I feel or hard time I face can ever be greater than the love Jesus has for me.

Currently I'm living out the verse in Job where it talks about the Lord giving and the Lord taking away. Not too fond of the taking away part of it all but I have to realize that giving up things, people, situations, ect, to the God who created all things is a lot better than trying to keep them all in my sinful, selfish, and often unsteady hands. Once I muster up the strength to release what I've been holding on to so tightly I then begin to see why He wanted it from me so badly in the first place. Because typically He'll do something with it I never could have done on my own, or ever even dreamed of doing, but it just goes to show how little I know and how awesome He is.

Challenge of the week? Have more faith to give things to the One who created you, knows your every need and desire, and in the end will work any situation out for your benefit and ultimately His glory. 

-- "When I don't measure up to much in this life - I know I'm treasure in the arms of Christ" --

"Changing things and changing times, Changing people and changing minds"

Change.

Some change in life is necessary, needed entirely, and happily embraced. It’s been a long time coming and we are ready for it. All preparations have been made, plans are set in motion, all that is left is simply to take a hold of it and own it. Easy, simple, comfortable change.

The other kind of change? Yikes. But here is an analogy. It is as if you’ve been running on a treadmill all your life and have just grown accustomed to this way of life because, hey, at least you are moving – right? Then someone comes along and either brutally or gently mentions “Uh, hey, you are on a treadmill and not going anywhere. Try getting off the treadmill and take this path instead. It will take you some place better than this.” So now you are moving, but you are finally moving towards something. It’s either going to excite you or scare the daylights out of you. The beauty of it all is, though, is that ultimately YOU are in control of how it is handled. You can either be miserable with this change or you can be excited about it. What matters is that you own this decision. Make it your own and stick with it.

As a Christian I often feel that I’m on a treadmill in certain areas in my life. It doesn’t matter that I’m walking a repetitive and mundane path but what matters instead is that I’m moving at all. But sometimes God will come along and pull the emergency stop plug and I come to a screeching halt. Those moments are never fun and often result in me being violently flung back about 10ft and it’s usually then, and only then, that I realize what He was trying to pull me away from. So while it is painful to fall back that far, that fast, I see the necessity of it all. Because prior to it I was only seeing what was in front of me at the time and not what was around me or behind me. By God pulling the emergency plug, I got the bigger picture.

Other times He will come along side me as I’m power-walking to nowhere and gently say “My child, it is time to stop. Come with me and let me show you an alternative route.”  Every time, without fail, that I choose to go with Him I’m always glad I did and wished I’d done it sooner. He saves me all the time from the treadmill-like-paths I take. However, the alternative path He puts me on isn’t always smooth and consistent – sometimes it’s rough with unexpected pot-holes, bumps, twists, turns, and the like. But one thing it never causes me to do is run from it, or run from Him, because I'm constantly reminded that He loved me enough to die in my place on the cross – how can I not trust Him with the very life I now have because of what He did? 

Something to think about.

He loves Me

Jesus Loves You. 

Three small words, one HUGE meaning. I think the older I get the more weight it begins to carry not just as I develop a greater understanding of what it means to be loved by a Holy God but also in my life and how I choose to live it out. More specifically as the Love God has for me begins to have more weight in my life, the more I desire to show that to others who may not know what this thing called "love" really feels like or even is. 

This whole idea came about as I was at work today and a mom and her 3 young kids came through me line. The oldest child was a girl and she looked to be no more than 10 or 11 years old, the middle child was a little girl who appeared to be so full of life, she looked to be about 6. The youngest was a small boy who had a smile that would melt about anyones heart, he looked to be about 3 or 4. Upon this mother entering the store I heard a loud voice that was followed by her violently pulling a young boy off the cart as it appeared as though he was trying to "ride" it, like any normal 4yr old would do.

I was blessed enough to have them come through my line once they were finished shopping. I was grateful for the opportunity to interact with them. Once I was able to get a better look at the children I noticed their disheveled and dirty clothing but more importantly I noticed the considerable amount of bruises and scrapes they each had upon their small bodies. Upon the realization of that I was then heavily burdened by the mere thought of what these children go home to. What did being loved and cared for mean to them, if it even meant anything at all. I almost intentionally went slowly on their order just so they could stay there a bit longer. When I'd finished everything and gave my final words the little boy was last to exit the line and he turned to me and gave me a huge smile and a sweet "bye!" Since then they've all been on my mind and heart and, more importantly, in my prayers. I was also struck by the fact that God is watching over those dear children and loves them more than anyone. 

That's what so amazing about the God we serve, the God I serve. That even though we cant always be there to show love to those who deserve it - the God of the Universe has them in His hands and I know He will take care of them.  He died to save not just those who are well-off in life, or who haven't done a lot wrong, no.. He died for every living soul on this earth. Unlike what we've been brought up to do (i.e. stereo-type people and judge those who appear to be worse off than us).  I am guilty of this more than anyone else I know and for that I am ashamed. But what if we all really loved like Jesus does? Unconditional, takes you as you are (even at your worst), love.

Love. In today's society  it seems to be just a word that can be thrown around and abused far too often - but in the eyes of God love means looking down on sinful people and with a love-filled heart saying "I love them and want them to be with me"  Well, I just got goosebumps.  

What amazing love. 

Challenge of this week? Love like Christ loves.

..and you thought where YOU worked was interesting?

I work at a grocery store as a cashier.  No, it's not the most glamorous job and it requires you to be on your feet most of the time, among other things, and can sometimes be exhausting.  However, since I've been there I have been loving this job.  I wasn't expecting to, but every day I go to work something new, often funny, happens to me - which thus prompts me to blog about it. ;)

For example - one of my managers walked in today at 10AM to start his shift.  As he walked in I noticed he had a grocery bag in his hand and thus felt inclined to say, jokingly, "Hey, Ken! What'd you bring me?" He smiled, walked towards me, and began taking out an item from the bag and handed it to me saying "I brought you this. Wheat crackers with cheese!" I chucked and told him he didn't have to actually GIVE me something and that I was only kidding. But he insisted I keep them - so I did. :) 

Another thing that happened was earlier in the day, around 9AM, a co-worker by the name of Troy came and took the register next to mine (which was nice because we were getting pretty busy!) As the day went on I began to notice something about Troy, something good.  He's very friendly to anyone he comes into contact with, always greets the customers with kindness, and is eager to help bag items for anyone else working. Therefore I felt inclined to flat-out ask him if he was a Christian.  With a smile on his face he replied "yes, I am!" I smiled and replied that I was one as well. 

It brings me such great joy to meet people who actually get what being a Christian means.  The fact that I was able to figure out he was a Christian prior to my asking says a lot about this man and how he carries himself - as it would for anyone.  We're called to be Christ-like wherever we go. Being a Christian isn't something you can turn off and turn on when it's convenient for you - it should always be on! You can't be two different people (i.e. the worldly you and the Christian you). It's not what Christ expects of us. 

To make the day even better - upon ending my shift I brought my till (cash, receipts, coupons, ect) to the front to be counted by the manager on duty (which happened to be Ken).  The same thing I said about Troy could be said about Ken. There was something different about him, in a good way.  So, when I saw the opportunity I asked Ken if he was a Christian and he replied "yes, I am" 

So cool! 

Upon starting this job I thought I'd be the only Christian there and instead God reveals other Christians that work there in only a matter of days. That's pretty amazing. :)  

I knew I was blessed to have a job and I thank God for this one often. What I wasn't expecting was the added bonus of awesome things happening to me at this job. And I've met a lot of great people, too. :) 

To close - here's a story about my favorite customer of the day:

An elderly gentleman approached my lane and offered a kind, and heart felt, "Hello my lady!" I responded with a smile and energetic "hello!" 

I then began to ring up his items and he began to give a mini-speech on how men are so different these days.  He claims they're either like him and actually know how to respect and cherish a woman for, as he says "we'd be nothing without you ladies.  You all make life worth living" or they're, as he states, "immature boys who failed to grow up." I replied with my two cents that woman are often unbearable and emotional - he responded with "yes, but men are idiots and slobs"  We both agreed that there are issues with both genders but that the men are worse because, as he noted, "we're supposed to be the leaders."  Upon handing him his receipt he commented on my kindness and gave a "You have a wonderful day, my lady!"

"I tried to throw caution to the wind, but it took my mind instead"

 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.It is the Lord Christ you are serving." Colossians 3:23-24

Mmm, conviction. 

I'm quite certain I've been failing more than I've been keeping/living-out this verse lately - especially when it comes to where I work.  The people I work directly with (i.e. my co-workers and managers) - they're amazing people and I enjoy working with them (okay, not ALL of them - but a majority of them, yes). The customers I serve? Never has my patience been tested as frequently as it is working at the local grocery store.

I see all kinds of people come in and out of those doors and through my line on a daily basis. Some are the kindest and most softly spoken people I've ever come into contact with - with them I have no issues.  The others? I feel like I died and have been forced to temporarily live in my own nightmare. Who knew someone I only interact with for roughly 2min could make me feel as stupid as some of these people do simply because I failed to do something exactly how they wanted it to be done. Ri-dic-u-lous. 

So in order to keep my job, and keep this angry customer happy, I refrain from getting upset at them for accusing me of doing something wrong (when I know I did nothing wrong). Thus, my remedy for the situation?  The only thing I can think to do when they're all up in my face telling me how wrong I am and that is to stop. breathe. pray. carry on. Sometimes it helps and other times it merely provides a distraction from returning fire in their direction. 

Then the conviction sinks in when I remember that I'm not here to serve myself, or other human masters for that matter, but I'm here to serve others and represent Christ in all I do. If I'm not actively seeking to do that then I need a priority check. So, I resolve that when the going gets tough that I'm to keep a smile on my face and do what I can to disarm them by being simply nice and accommodating. 

I resolve that if God can put up with me when I'm being annoying that I can certainly put up with people who aggravate me.

"Walk by Faith"

"Walk By Faith" - These three words have been resonating in my mind over the course of the past couple days which thus prompts me to spend an incalculable amount of time dwelling on them until those three words begin to mean something different, something more. 

I heard Jeremy Camps song on the radio the other day which only fed my desire to better understand the meaning of walking by Faith. The lyric that struck me the most was "I will walk by faith - even when I cannot see"  That means, in a sense, that you're in a room and someone turned out all the lights and the ground you thought was smooth which would enable you to walk peacefully without running into anything suddenly has big, gaping, swallow-you-whole pot-holes all over and one mis-step means a whole lot of pain.  All you have guiding you? A voice. A still..small..voice.

  

Walking by faith doesn't mean you get to plan your route and go the path of least resistance..  It sometimes means that God's turned all the lights out, thus making it very hard to see.  Of course in those moments we tend to reason with God and inform Him that we've got it under control.  "See my plan, God? I've mapped out every move perfectly. Just let me take this one, you'll see where it ends up and it's going to be great" But then God steps in and with His awesomeness says "No, My Child, I'm turning the lights off and you're going to have to trust Me to get you through this. I am your map, I am your guide, you must listen to Me if you really want to get through this." 

It's REALLY hard sometimes to let everything go - especially if you're a natural born planner, like me, and enjoy having everything perfectly mapped out and organized. But trusting God sometimes means going through the uncomfortable in order to obtain the comfortable. 

So no matter where He is leading you - trust Him to get you through the dark room of pot-holes, or the foggy mess, or through the situation that seems perfectly alright but really isn't.  He is there to help and will guide you to safety. All you have to do is have a little faith and let Him do what He does best. He created the Universe without one single mistake - I'm pretty sure He's capable of getting you through whatever it is you're going through. 

"You can fire..but you've got no bullets"

Other peoples opinions and approvals.. 

We all look for it in one way or another and if you don't think you do... you're kidding yourself. I feel that its only natural to seek mans approval, whether your a Christian or not - we all want to be accepted by everyone for who we are and what we do. 

However, with all this worldly chaos clouding our judgement I wonder where Gods opinion of us fits in there. Will the acceptance of Jim at the office get you to eternity with Christ? I don't think God will say "Oh, Jim approves?  Well, come on in! Enter into your rest."  Nope, that's not going to happen.  

So if that's the case then why does it matter so much that we seek to impress people who, really, in the end...won't matter? Why put forth all that effort for something that will whither away? 

Now, I'd be lying if I said I've got this whole thing under control.. I struggle with seeking mans approval on a daily basis. But lately my conscience has been pricked and I begin to wonder why it matters so much to me. Why not focus on what God thinks of something I'm saying or doing?  I could have saved myself a lot of "uh-oh"s had I merely thought about that before saying/doing something.

Do you ever ask yourself why you take hard road when God's way is so much simpler and easier and far more beneficial than anything else? It's so nonsensical and yet time and time again we take that same road of thought where we elevate mans opinion above a Holy God. Mind boggling. 


Anyway, this brings me to my challenge for myself for the remainder of this week. It is to stop and really ask myself "Would God want me to do/say/think this?" and really try and listen to what He says instead of what I say. Because if I'm hearing my "yes" more than His "no" I then spend the remainder of my time justifying how I'm right. That never ends in my favor..

Bottom line - God is all that Matters.

"Let This Blessed Assurance Control"

When I least expect it - that's when You come on by and completely amaze me with Your power, Your love, Your care, and Your devotion.  You never leave me and you always take care of me. I'm not sure how I manage to obtain your favor for the view from where I sit shows me complaining on a regular basis and then in return You bring forth not discipline, but blessings. As if to say to me "I hear you, My child, and here is what I will do for you - here is a job so that your insecurities may whither away. That phone call you've been hoping for? Here it comes. The money you have been needing for school? I will provide that." 

I mean, woah! Mind blown. I'm so amazed and humbled at Gods love for me and how He fulfills my every need even when I am most undeserving.

Why do I always doubt Him when He comes through for me in ways such as this?

"O how marvelous! O how wonderful! Is my Savior's love for me!"

"I think I can, I think I can.."

You'd be amazed what you can accomplish when you turn your "I can't"s to "I can"s.  Suddenly everything becomes possible when you realize your own strength and what you're fully capable of.  The God of the Universe made you and gave you all of the gifts you have today. If you dwell on that and remind yourself that He is Perfect in everything He does - then you'll see how useful and amazing you really CAN be

Food for Thought

Oh, Corinthians

“That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10

I'm committing this verse to heart today. I am currently learning that no matter how "weak" I may feel - Christ makes me stronger still.

I am Blessed

Over the course of a day or two I've been hit with a lot of unexpected life-changes/alterations/things and people from my past that I thought were no more suddenly resurfacing. Needless to say it's been a lot to take in and I've been feeling particularly inclined to be discouraged in my current life circumstances. However, all of these changes and new uncertainties have a way of directing my eyes to the Lord and reminding myself that He is fully aware of everything that is going on in my life. And, more importantly, that I'm not alone in it all. 

Last night, upon finishing my nightly prayers, I began to dwell too heavily on all the bad going on in my life and how it's been affecting me personally. When that feeling became too heavy to bear I was struck with a thought, an idea. So I got up out of bed, grabbed a 3x5 card and began to pen everything I'm blessed with as well as what God has given me. Before I knew it I'd taken up a whole note-card and I began to think "the positives in my life are far outweighing the negatives" and its as if a burden was lifted from me.  I have so much to be thankful for. I have everything I need because my God is taking care of me. How can one not be encouraged after realizing that?

To God be the Glory. :) 

Crucified with Christ

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galations 2:20

I was thinking on this verse the other day and reflecting on just how powerful it is. As I picked it apart in my mind it began to carry more weight. Through Christs death on the cross, on my behalf, it is no longer I who is living, but rather its Christ living in me.  I will never be who I could have been prior to my meeting Christ. At least that’s the conclusion I came to in my mind and the more I allowed myself to dwell on it the more my mind was blown. Crazy concept!  

I also love the last part of that verse as well. Christ loved me so much that he gave himself for me. As it says in John 15:13 - “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” We’re surrounded by all different kinds of love on a daily basis – the love shown by serving, friendship, a kind word, ect. But the greatest kind of love? Meaning one dies in order that they might save another - that was shown for me.. Insignificant, pitiful, nothing more than ordinary me. The God of the Universe looked at me and said “To Me, you’re worth dying for.”  Well, if that doesn’t send chills down ones spine I don’t know what would. He considered me worth dying for so then why do I willfully choose not to live for Him? I’m completely and totally indebted to Him for saving me and yet days go by where I live only for myself and my needs and what I want. It’s painfully selfish. I want to be the kind of girl who takes Ephesians 4:1 (“live a life worthy of the calling you have received”) more seriously and attempts to live it out every chance I get. Regretfully I fail more than I succeed, but it does not decrease my desire to live that way. It’s a daily battle but the rewards for living in such a way are incalculably amazing.  

A pennys worth of thoughts

We all look for it. That love that consumes us as much as we want it to, it’s as breathtaking as we expect it to be, as memorable as we always wished it’d be, and most importantly – worth it. Whether we’re waiting for it or it’s currently in our grasp. Either way at some point or another we were or are in pursuit of it. We’re brought up to assume it’s going to take the form of someone of the opposite sex. I personally blame Disney and just about every disastrous movie that exits Hollywood. But it is what it is.  Yes, as a girl I am waiting for that “prince charming” that every fairytale told me I needed to wait for. So, okay Disney, I’m waiting..and waiting…and waiting..and, honestly, how much longer do I have to wait?

When the waiting gets dull and boring as if to be watching paint dry on a wall, that’s when the questioning begins. They are quite silly questions, mind you, but regardless they find their comfortable and most familiar spot in our lives and then decide to linger for a while. How kind of them. If you are unfamiliar with what sort of questions I’m talking about then, first of all, please tell me what rock you’ve been living under that has sheltered you from these most crippling questions.  Secondly, let’s revisit for a moment as to what these questions are. They go something like this “what’s wrong with me? Why am I having to wait longer than that person who just got engaged – they’re ridiculous and yet they’re about to be married” I think you get the idea.  But these questions, doubts, rather, are debilitating at the least and if given less than 5 minutes to dwell on such questions before you know it we’ve decided we’re just about as pointless as they come and merely a waste of oxygen on this earth.  Is this necessary? Not in the slightest.

This brings me to my most recent question - as a Christian I have that exact kind of love. So why is it the hardest one to give myself over to? Strange concept but nonetheless it’s settled in my mind and prompts me to dwell on it for a moment.  I’m not intending to be creepy as some people who make some public proclamation that “Jesus is my boyfriend” – no. I am not that ridiculous with it. But in some sense it does pave the way to the point I’m trying to make in so much as when you’re in a relationship you long to be with that other person. In the same sense, God wants that with me. I find it strange that the one person who desires to be close to me, to care for me, is the one I so willingly push away. Somehow I got it in my mind that if I can’t see/feel/touch/smell him – that he should then mean nothing to me and just be a mirage.  However in the past He’s always reminded me that if I give everything over to him that He will fulfill the desires of my heart (i.e. my “prince charming”) Simple concept, no?  In my life this has been proven to be true time and time again. The more I devote myself to Him, the happier my life becomes and the more things fall into place. Sometimes it’s exactly how I’d hoped it would be and other times it’s surprisingly, yet perfectly, different from any expectation.  And in that I earnestly strive to find contentment and peace because its always worth it in the end - and that’s all we’re really striving for, right? Something, or maybe even someone, worth living for.