Noise

*dink, dink, dink, dink* goes the blinking line on this empty word document. This document… this open, blank, welcoming and appealing document. As it sits here in silence taunting me with its unchanging blankness I stare emotionless at it wondering if something will come to mind. All the while the only things on my mind are my own meaningless thoughts.

“That darn Kenny Chesney song is stuck in my head again..” 

        “this fan is really loud”              “I think I’m experiencing indigestion”      

      ".. the skies too blue… beer’s too cold to be thinking about you… gonna take this heart break, and tuck it away, save it for a rainy day”  

“My sunburn itches”        “skin makes  a weird sound when you itch it”       
                            
               “I wish I had washed those pants..  I’ll have to wait till next laundry day..”

“ my back hurts..”             “Why am I sitting here talking to myself?”

      “do I really sound like that?”          “ I’m so tired and its only 9:00pm”     

                 “Oh my gosh, you’re going to sound so stupid writing this”

 

All of this and more is apart of the never ending loop of thoughts and nonsense that crowds my mind on a minute-to-minute basis. It is always changing, but sometimes the same.   At the end of the day it amounts to just noise.

When did my life become so noisy?  I used to be, and feel, so centered and grounded. So in control of things, and my feelings, and my emotions, and my thoughts – I miss those days.  I would thrive on the silence and utilize the time to regroup, recenter, refocus.  But now it is just all crowded noise that does not stop.
 

When did this passion for writing go away?  Where did those Jesus moments I used to experience on the daily run off to? 

I think it got lost in the noise..

I think it got lost in the chaos of life that takes control and steers the attention away from what is calming and instead says “hey, look at this cluster of noise”

It is exhausting and draining to just listen to it all and be a contributing factor to it.

So maybe that is where to start. Eliminating the noise. Resolving internal issues. And getting back on track to what matters here and now instead of getting slapped around by endless amounts of inaudible noise. 

Here we go!

Refocusing ---

Here is what I think Jesus is saying to me through all of this junk, aside from “time to invest in some noise-cancelling headphones…or ear plugs… maybe try a pillow”, it is that sin and all that comes with it, can disguise itself in noise.

What I mean by this is that if you get sucked into the noise (people talks, tv shows, work life, home life, life life, love life, relationships, home-improvements, laundry, screaming children, screaming children in a dental practice, angry parents, managing, phone ringing, text messaging, snap chatting, twitter-ing-ing.., screaming, crying,  laughing, talking, running, jamming, driving, traffic, stoplights, road rage, eating, dieting, cooking, cleaning, politic-ing, facebooking, chatting..) you can sometimes be so consumed by it that you could also be missing out on some key Jesus-convos.

And lately, I have not been hearing Him at all.

Now, this does not mean He’s stopped communicating.  It just means I have stopped listening.

Why?

It. Is so. Noisy..

So maybe it is time to turn down, unplug, take the batteries out of, turn off, throw out, get rid of… the noise. Could be something as easy as re-opening lines of communication – something I could really use right about now. Or maybe it will take a lot of self-examination as to how I let it get this bad, this noisy, and then rebuilding from there.  Either way it is time for less noise, more Jesus.  

Less noise, more Jesus. 

Sustain me.

"Sustain me"

Psalms 51:10-12 " Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me"

I chose several years ago to commit this verse to memory and I find it is often one I'm brought back to when I'm feeling a drought coming on. Lately it seems as though I've allowed life to take me over and to change my priorities and now everything feels a little out of whack. Whenever I stop making time for God I stop imparting any sort of wisdom I've either learned from others or things I've learned in my times with Him. I throw any sort of "godliness" to the wind because I'm simply too busy. Which is the excuse I feed myself every Monday morning when the chaos begins.

I tell myself that with working 2 jobs, trying to maintain bills, making sure I still get my workout in, spending time with my boyfriend, keeping my house clean, etc, is just "too overwhelming" to even consider setting time aside for God. It all stacks up and then come the weekend (and mostly Sunday) I allow that time to be when I remember I'm also a Christian and need Jesus.

Ouch.

I've become the "only worship and remember Jesus on Sunday" type of Christian. That's uncomfortable to admit and yet it's become true in my life.

Then this verse comes to mind and while I'm thankful that at least one scripture stuck, it also brings me the necessary conviction that i need Jesus EVERY day, and not just Sunday. If anything I should be clinging to him when the hard times start on Monday morning when that alarm goes off. Somehow I only have enough Jesus to last me on Sunday but once Monday hits it's as if I'm on my own for the week!

That's not the case!

Which is why it's becoming increasingly clear how much and how hard I need to be praying through this verse. Because it's not just asking for restored joy, it's asking for it to last and last. And it requires a willing spirit for all of the above! It's easy to say "hey, God, gonna need some extra joy today. Hope this time it'll last till 5!"  What's hard is when you got grumpy people surrounding you, or your sensitivity is at an all time high and you're so easily aggravated at the slightest thing - how does that transition to a willing host for joy?

Running the race is hard, and maintaining the endurance for such a thing is even harder, especially when you're untrained and unprepared.

I think about the Rugged Maniac 5k race I just completed last weekend. I had 0 training, 0 endurance, and 0 skill. Which resulted in my walking away with every muscle hurting, bruises, fatigue, and severely winded. I wasn't prepared for what was ahead of me. Remembering my agony in that race also painted a picture of how my Christian walk has been going as of late. I'm trying to run the race with 0 skill on my side. I don't read the bible, I'm not a very good witness to believers/unbelievers I come into contact with, and I have little desire to do anything Godly.

While I don't have a very simple solution to this problem I've gotten myself in to, I do plan to impart some change into my life so that I can emit joy instead of the grump I've been allowing to shine through. I see my need for Jesus and his grace. I want to train more and make the time for what should be the most important thing in my life. Definitely going to re-prioritize and work to remember grace, mercy, love, joy, and peace. I want the week to approach and not cringe because of what's ahead of me. I want to see it, acknowledge the challenge, but then face it without complaints and a whole lot of Jesus!

Transparency

Of which, I'm learning, I. Am. Not.

God has been showing me just how many walls I have put up to simply try and block everything out. Block out negativity, block out pain, block out nonsense, block out everything - but it cannot block out Christ and with Christ comes all of the above. Because it is apart of life and I do believe He can use such things to grow you and teach you.

Now, I've never tried to apply the term "transparency" to my life but it is something that has come to mind at random throughout my days as of late. Basically I get the sense that I need to become more open. More humble. More willing.

In place of those mentioned above have been laziness, self-righteousness, and contentment.

Basically I've grown comfortable being comfortable.

Yikes.

All the while God has 100% been after me and pursuing me and calling me back. To that I say how wonderful is His love that He still calls us back even when we've wandered off the beaten path. Such grace.

And it's that type of grace I wish I could.. nay... I want to and will...begin applying to my life again. It isn't always easy for me to show grace, kindness and generosity. Basically living out the fruits of the spirit. It is far easier to sit back in my laziness and point fingers at the world for everything it is doing wrong. At the core of that is just someone, ME, who is driven by fear of actually pointing the finger at myself, doing some much needed internal examination, and fixing what is clearly broken inside.

So maybe my remedy is trying to be more transparent. Maybe the start of it is writing again, writing such things as this. Maybe it is getting back into old habits that have a history of being beneficial (i.e. reading more, sharing my life with others, being open about struggles, sins, etc). Maybe it is something entirely different but I am willing to make the change.

And this is Day 1

"...but also for the interest of others"

I woke up this morning with this verse in mind. The more I thought about it and dissected it in my mind the more I gained a new understanding of the verse.

It comes from Philippians chapter 2, verse 3 "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others."

The breakdown went something like this..

Do nothing from SELFISHNESS (meaning acting out of an "it's all about me" mentality) or EMPTY CONCEIT (I know what empty means, yes, but empty conceit? Google....)

*pause

I then dug up this very well thought out and written definition from a blogger - I quote "Selfishness, of course, is when we are seeking personal gain. But empty conceit is something altogether different (although it is still based in selfishness). It is when we act based on an exalted view of ourselves and our own importance."

Specifically -- "When we act based on an exalted view of ourselves and our own importance"

I love that wording! I'd never thought of empty conceit like that before either. Regretfully my first instinct was to examine the people in my lives who SO do that. Then I reflect for a second and remember 1 Timothy 1:15 "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst."
Jesus came to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst. Truer words were never spoken.

So while, yes, it is ridiculously easy to pull several logs out of peoples eyes and think "wow, doesn't get much worse than what ________ is doing, now does it?"  *buzzer noise.  Wrong. I've done worse than that. We should always examine first ourselves and how we've shamed God in our own actions and words and allow the Holy Spirit to bring forth the proper conviction for the names of offenders on our mental lists. 

Christ died for us all - kings and beggars. The greatest and the least of us. Let us not count ourselves as more important than anyone else because at the end of the day we are still sinners in need of rescue.

End Rant.

Peace that surpasses understanding

Google so kindly defined Peace as "freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility." 

Quiet. And Tranquility. Freedom. Complete and total zen, as some may say. 

This word, I'll admit, has been absent from my memory log which thus translates to being absent from my day-to-day living. 

Peace.

Something as simple as that. And with life being as chaotic and dramatic as ever lately a word like "peace" sure could be useful. 

In Philippians 4 Paul writes that we aren't to be anxious about anything. Yet that is where I often find my heart and my mind wandering towards. He says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

Gut shot.

So many times, so many circumstances I find myself sitting alone in my thoughts (my LEAST favorite place to be) thinking "Well, crud, here I am with this situation and I am just stuck. There is obviously no hope here. I'm basically done for.. Here is where my end begins.. Way to go, Kait" 

But then God steps in and basically just says "Pray. With thanksgiving (meaning your life isn't completely in shambles and you have TONS to be thankful for), and present your request to ME. The God who has always promised to take care of you and has been faithful to do so. And when you finally release that to ME I will give you peace to guard your ever wandering heart and mind from doubt." 

Peace.

There's that word again.  The word I'd about forgotten because I've been too needy and restless to even consider this word.

When you think about it, though, it's a powerful word. Who DOESN'T like to be at peace? No one willfully says "This whole quietness, tranquility, and feeling of 'aaaahhhhh' is just completely worthless.. I'm done with this!" 

In my 24 years of life and in all the times I find myself alone in my thoughts -- I can honestly say THAT internal conversation never took place.. 

But it's such a pivotal thing. Peace, I mean. Not just as a Christian but as a human being.

With the seemingly constant and ever changing pace in today's society and everything in borderline complete and total chaos ... it's important to set your sights to God and remember Peace.  

To be at peace with YOURSELF (how you look, who you are, etc)
To be at peace with your CIRCUMSTANCE (even if its REALLY difficult)
To be at peace with your LIFE (It is a gift! Don't squander it.) 

God gives us Peace. And not just any Peace. It's a Peace that comes directly from the source of all Peace. Scripture is dripping with words that instruct and encourage we be at peace (considering all aspects of life, here). Whether its wishing peace upon someone else, praying for peace for yourself, peace between enemies, or thanking and praising God for peace.  Peace is everywhere. And it is important.  

God has overcome the World so He can certainly handle anything you're dealing with in the world. May the knowledge of that bring some semblance of Peace. Quietness. Tranquility. Freedom. 

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” 

 

Hope is What We Crave

Been a long while since I’ve last posted – going to try and clear the dust mites and cob-webs from my blog. ;-)

So here’s what’s up - this week, and the week prior, I’ve been hearing and/or reminded of the verse in Psalms where it states “Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (Psalms 42:11). I feel like it’s been everywhere! Songs, thoughts, things people say, random things throughout the day, ect.

I honestly love the concept of “hope.” It is, to me, a very strong and powerful thing. It is a driving force. It is faith based, so to speak, and while it can leave one vulnerable it can also be the most reassuring thing.

What’s caught my particular attention, though, is hope and how it plays a role in knowing and believing in Christ, and how that, in turn, affects my day-to-day life. My faith and belief in Christ produces within me a lot of hope. Because I can look back on my life and see where hope in Christ has led me out of many difficult times. My hope in God has enabled me to feel secure in this life, regardless of what hardship comes my way. Really cool thing! And I know I am well taken care of and looked after by Him. But this is definitely something I lose sight of often.

I feel as though there are so many things in this world that ask us to place our hope in it when, in the end, it tends to only leave us feeling empty and broken. Whether it be hope in a company, hope in money, a person, a thing, an idea or alternative concept, or what have you. There is no firm foundation to stand on. Things constantly change, shift, or just end completely. This makes it hard to know for certain if your hope in that particular thing will end in your favor.

It’s pretty frustrating, is it not?

This is what brings me to where my particular hope steams from and what’s been nagging at my heart lately. Prior to knowing and believing in Christ I put a lot of hope and trust in worldly things (and, honestly, I still do sometimes!) but I was always let down and disappointed.

I’d put hope in a person to fulfill my every need and expectation – that always ended badly.
I put hope in my job to always care for my financial needs – that would end badly as well.
I put hope in the plans I set for myself and, as you can probably assume, that didn’t end in my favor either.

The list goes on!

Therefore, due to the consistency in which things change, I’ve come to learn (and am speaking entirely from experience) that hope in anything other than Christ can leave one feeling pretty darn disappointed. I always wanted something more, something I could know for certain would last, and something I feel wouldn’t ever change.  I got a whole lot more than I ever could have anticipated when I started to learn and understand Christ and all that He stood for.

There wasn’t/isn’t anything about Him that was unappealing to me. Nothing about Him, or His message, that made me second guess putting faith in Him. He changed me completely, inside and out. Because of His hand in my life I’m overflowing with a whole new kind of hope and this feeling of fullness I’ve never experienced before. It hasn’t been an easy thing to do and I still struggle to fully put all of my hope/trust/faith in Him, for every, and any, need I have. But at the end of the day my hope in Christ has never left me feeling empty or disappointed. Ever. And that’s something that I can’t confidently say about anything else I’ve ever tried to put my faith and trust in.

Might seem a tad crazy at first, sure, but ultimately it’s the most amazing thing to experience knowing you can have 100% confidence in this one thing. 

--

...Christmas Time Is Here... Time for....

Consumerism at it's best..

Truth be told I've been struggling quite a bit as the Christmas season vastly approaches and I began feeling this familiar nagging in the pit of my stomach that says "best start saving money and gathering up your holiday list of favorite people. Make sure you get the best gift for everyone!"

I tend to think the older I get the more I feel the buying of gifts aspect of Christmas to be unnecessary. It's not because I don't want to buy the gifts, don't get me wrong, but it's the mind-numbing trekking through shopping malls and partaking in that which everyone else is doing, buying what everyone else is buying, but convincing yourself its "unique" to you and will be much appreciated by the receiver it what I can't stand. I've honestly begun to question it all and have a hard time seeing, this Christmas season, the joy in this particular thing. Perhaps it's the "bah humbug" in me that's preventing this time from being joyous and exciting, or maybe it's common sense? Who knows.

Either way this Christmas I'm mostly just excited to spend it with my whole family (Dad, Mom, Jennifer, Jon, Trent, and Natalie). I come from a family of tradition, so to speak, and Christmas eve/mornings have always been and always will be special in my family. I hold those times very dear to my heart and they matter a whole lot to me, far more than the presents. I realized just how much all of this mattered to me when I was painfully away from it last year. However God still provided in a major way during that Christmas season last year and I got to spend it with very dear friends who are practically family and it was a very memorable and fun time.

Bearing this in mind I have somehow altered my way of thinking this Christmas season. Truthfully I feel if you love someone and want to show you care and how much they mean to you you are constantly trying to prove that every given day. For example, I like to buy my mom flowers at random times. I do this to show her that I was thinking about her, that I love her, and want her to know that. I've basically stopped reserving Christmas, and only Christmas, to purchase things for loved ones and friends to "show how much you mean to me."  Truth of the matter is I was only buying something because its simply what you do on Christmas. Is that really what Christmas is all about?

It's been mentioned each Christmas that the true meaning behind this holiday is that we were given the greatest gift of all - a Savior. The day that Jesus Christ was born. Yet this idea, this concept, this truth, seems to have been ripped from Christmas entirely. Did Jesus ever mean for us to borderline sacrifice ourselves, our lives, to stand in line at Walmart with one hand on a plasma screen TV and the other on a PC tablet just in hopes to get the "best price/best gift"? It's madness, is it not?

Perspective, people. Christmas shouldn't be about stressing out over what gift to get someone, where to get the "best deals", or purchasing the "next-best-item."  As I said to my dad a few weeks ago if you give it about a year that one most coveted item will be sold in pawn shops for less than half the price it is now. Trends fade, things break, items get lost or become unused. It's about focusing on the ones you have who love you, and whom you love back, as well as the Savior who brought us all together to share in this momentous occasion. Let the gift of togetherness, laughter, love, and the joy of knowing Christ take the place of any gift you can find at a store.